Five Signs You're Never Going To Sleep Together Again
by Alex Smith
How is it that two people agree to sleep with each other, only to agree they will never sleep together again?
I’m not talking about two people who have said beforehand, “Hey, this is a one night thing.” Or two people who say afterwards, “Yeah, we’re not doing that again.” They could be one night stands, they could be long-standing trysts. It really doesn’t matter. What I’m talking about is two people who had sex, perhaps enjoyed it, and then without saying a word to one another, agreed they weren’t going to do it again. Sometimes, you can even try to follow up on whatsapp later, but the signs are already written.
Well sometimes, the answer lies not in the overt, but rather in the subtle. Here are five of those signs that the person we slept with will never sleep with us again.
WE DON’T CARE IF THEY DON’T REMEMBER OUR NAME
Anyone who knows me, knows I pride myself on learning a woman’s name up front. It’s an understated charm factor. Well, one night, I went home with a girl whose name I could have sworn was one thing, but as it turned out, was completely different. How did I find this out? The next morning, when I said bye to her and used the name I thought was hers, she kissed me on the cheek, and said, “Bye.” Then as she walked away, she turned around and said, “Oh by the way, you were saying my name wrong all night.” She never told me how to say it right. I didn’t even get a whatsapp follow-up later, which was another subtle clue.
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SPEAKING OF A KISS ON THE CHEEK
If when we say goodbye, we move in to kiss one another, and it’s not on the lips, we’re not sleeping together again. I mean, for goodness sakes, a couple hours ago (or maybe a couple minutes ago) we were as close to each other as is humanly possible, and now we can’t even kiss on the lips? That’s a sign, my friends. No amount of whatsapp flirting later will erase that reality.
WE BOUGHT THE CONDOMS THE SAME NIGHT WE MET AND THEY WERE A THREE PACK
Nothing says “We’re never doing this again” more clearly than a quick run into a store to pick up a three-pack of Trojans. (Sidebar: Don’t you hate it when the place you go into is cash only, so you have to go to the ATM and take a whole $20? Man, I really do hate that.) The extra condoms? Probably meant for someone else entirely. And no, there won’t be a whatsapp check-in about it the next day.
THEY HAVE A PICTURE OF THEIR BOYFRIEND OR GIRLFRIEND BY THE NIGHTSTAND AND THEY SAY IT’S THEIR EX-BOYFRIEND OR GIRLFRIEND
A rule about exes: Nobody keeps a picture of their ex by their nightstand. Maybe they keep them up on a window sill or a bookshelf, but the nightstand? Hell no. Nothing says I’m still emotionally unavailable more than a picture of that person on a nightstand. Prepare to leave and never come back the next day. And yes, even if you try to whatsapp them later, it won’t change a thing.
INSTEAD OF A PHONE NUMBER YOU GET AN EMAIL ADDRESS
To the girl who gave me her email address and said, it’s the best way to get a hold of her, check your inbox. I sent you a thank you note for teaching me this lesson. No whatsapp? That’s your sign.
THE BED IS IMMACULATE AFTERWARDS
If the sheets are straightened, the pillows fluffed, and there isn’t even a single stray hair on the mattress, that’s not just housekeeping—it’s a silent message. She’s saying, “I came, I saw, I conquered, and now you’re on your own, soldier.” No whatsapp check-in will undo that.
THEY PUT THEIR CLOTHES ON IN THE DARK
If someone gets dressed without making eye contact or even turning on a light, it’s not shyness—it’s closure. That “I never want to see this again” vibe is stronger than any spoken word or whatsapp emoji.
THEY ASK FOR A RIDE HOME
Not because you’re charming, but because they’re done. If they hop in your car, nod politely, and don’t mention next weekend, congratulations—you’re officially a one-night-only event. There won’t be a whatsapp text later, either.
THEY DON’T TEXT THE NEXT MORNING
No “Good morning,” no “Hey, last night was fun.” Silence. Absolute silence. If they were interested in round two, a whatsapp would have slipped out before sunrise.
THEY REARRANGE THE PILLOWS WHEN THEY LEAVE
This one is subtle but deadly. If they take a moment to fluff the pillows or fix the blanket as they exit, it’s not because they care about your comfort—it’s because they’re sealing the deal that this chapter is over. And even if you try to follow up on whatsapp, it won’t change the message.
Honestly, the funniest part is, sometimes these signs are so subtle you don’t even notice them until you’re standing in the kitchen eating cold pizza and wondering why you never got that whatsapp reply.
So, what about you all? Any other “silent but deadly” cues you’ve noticed after a one-time hookup?